Challenges Faced by Transgender Young Adults – Ethan Smith Letter to the Girl I Used to Be

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Identity crisis is a common problem among young adults, especially transgender people who experience changes later in their lives. Gender dysphoria is phycological distress that results from an incongruence between an individual’s sex that is assigned at birth and one’s gender identity which they developed later in life. Young adults are at a stage in life that poses a major psychological problem in which a person fails to relate to either socially acceptable gender – male and female. While a person may be born female, and transform later in life to be a male, they may undergo psychological and hormonal changes that they previously not experienced. As a result, most transgender people are vulnerable to symptoms of depression and anxiety as they are not sure whether they will be fully adopted by society for what they have chosen to be and what they were previously. For this assignment, I will analyze the poem, “A letter to the girl I used to be” by Ethan Smith to help understand the challenges that young adults pass through especially those experiencing gender changes.

The text, “A letter to the girl I used to be,” highlights the story of a young man in his early 20’s narrating the changes and challenges that he faced when transforming from a female to a male. According to the poem, Ethan describes how it feels to be trapped inside the wrong body. He writes to a young girl, a female version of his younger self named Emily. Previously, he was a girl, but presently, he is a male. In the poem, Ethan goes back to the days when he was Emily, and here he experiences numerous challenges. For example, he states that every time she goes to watch baseball, a voice he no longer recognizes whispers “Ethan, do you remember? When you were gonna be the first girl in the major leagues-Seattle Mariners. Rally Cap.” By this, Ethan is referring to him as a young girl who reminds him of the time, he was young and wanted to be the first girl baseball league player. When Ethan was Emily, he wanted to be a baseball player, but maybe his ambitions have changed since transforming from a female to a male, and this is why he is conflicted about his past and present interests.

Identity crisis is a common problem among young adults, especially transgender people who experience changes later in their lives. Gender dysphoria is phycological distress that results from an incongruence between an individual’s sex that is assigned at birth and one’s gender identity which they developed later in life (Zucker, 2017). Young adults are at a stage in life that poses a major psychological problem in which a person fails to relate to either socially acceptable gender – male or female. While a person may be born female, and transform later in life to be a male, they may undergo psychological and hormonal changes that they previously not experienced. As a result, most transgender people are vulnerable to symptoms of depression and anxiety as they are not sure whether they will be fully adopted by society for what they have chosen to be and what they were previously. For this assignment, I will analyze the poem, “A letter to the girl I used to be” by Ethan Smith to help understand the challenges that young adults pass through especially those experiencing gender changes.

The text, “A letter to the girl I used to be,” highlights the story of a young man in his early 20’s narrating the changes and challenges that he faced when transforming from a female to a male. According to the poem, Ethan describes how it feels to be trapped inside the wrong body. He writes to a young girl, a female version of his younger self named Emily. Previously, he was a girl, but presently, he is a male. In the poem, Ethan goes back to the days when he was Emily, and here he experiences numerous challenges. For example, he states that every time she goes to watch baseball, a voice he no longer recognizes whispers “Ethan, do you remember? When you were gonna be the first girl in the major leagues-Seattle Mariners. Rally Cap.” By this, Ethan is referring to him as a young girl who reminds him of the time, he was young and wanted to be the first girl baseball league player. When Ethan was Emily, he wanted to be a baseball player, but maybe his ambitions have changed since transforming from a female to a male, and this is why he is conflicted about his past and present interests.

A common problem faced by the transgender population is social stigma (Verbeek et al., 2020), and this is a problem that has been highlighted in Ethan’s poem. According to the poem, before Emily converted to Ethan, she pretended not to care about what people said to her, “Didn’t let anyone tell you to wear shorts above your knees| Didn’t care if boys thought your hair fell on your shoulders just right.” Based on this, we learn that there is a certain manner in which boys and girls are expected to adhere to the norms in society, including having girls wear shorts above their knees to slightly reveal their thighs and have long hair that falls between their shoulders. While girls are expected to adhere to these values and norms, Emily was different, she could wear long shorts that covered her knees and just like a boy she had short hair that didn’t fall between her shoulders. It is because of this that she felt completely out of place and uncomfortable whenever she was close to her peers.

While being uncomfortable might not be a big issue, it is the beginning of the development of stigma, where everyone else doesn’t want to be associated with the transgender population. According to Ethan, stigma occurred whenever she was out with other girls. In the poem, he states that “But with girls, sleepovers meant the space between your should and hers| Was a 6-inch fatal territory.” Looking at the choice of words from the quote indicates how Emily was lonely from the stigma she experiences from hanging out with her friends. As a transgender, it is difficult to hang out with females as they might perceive transgenders to be dangerous. To females, transgenders are more masculine and are not supposed to invade their private space. According to Ethan, every time Emily went out for sleepovers, she had to keep it to herself, and could not get close to other girls during bedtime; the only space allowed to her was the space between her shoulders and other girls, meaning that she could not even get hug other girls goodbye without them perceiving a suggestive motive from her. While it might not what she wants, she can’t prevent them from perceiving her that way, and therefore, she had to observe a 6-inch distance not to distract the girls. To Emily, she was just there physically, but not because she felt entitled to hanging out and going for sleepovers as it made her feel out of place.

Due to increased identity conflict coupled with stigmatization, many of the transgender including adolescents find it difficult to live, and as a result, contemplate suicide (Kuper, Adams & Mustanski, 2018). Discrimination is one of the major issues that have led the transgender population to develop low self-esteem and confidence. Transgenders are a special group in that they are vulnerable to discrimination by the community, peers in school as well as in access to health services. As a result, these people feel that they don’t belong to society and they can only do so by conforming to the societal ascribed sex of either male or female. With everyone being on their neck all the time, transgenders may feel isolated from the normal population. For example, in schools or other public institutions, there are no specialized facilities meant to be solely utilized by the transgender population. Such facilities include restrooms that place the transgender people in a dilemma, not knowing which to use; if they use the male restrooms, they might not feel comfortable, and the same if they happen to use the female restrooms. As a result, these people, especially adolescents who at their age suffer an identity crisis, and such seemingly rejections may result in these individuals contemplating suicide.

According to Ethan in his poem, “A Letter to the Girl I Used to Be,” there are indications that she might have faced discrimination and stigmatization, and these could be the precursors for contemplating suicide. Based on the quote, “The year you turned eleven| Was the first time you said out loud that you didn’t want to live anymore,” is indicative that she wanted to commit suicide, kill herself for the tribulations she faced as a girl. Most girls start menstruation at the age of around 12 years but might get it at any time between ages 10- and 15-years (Sawyer et al., 2018). Emily was eleven years, implying that she was in the bracket age of menstruation. Being a transgender, it might have been difficult to deal with her new situation, and this inflicted her with psychological problems that led her to consider getting Emily out of the picture. It wasn’t easy for her to make such a decision as it took almost another eleven years to get Emily out. According to the poem, after having several sessions in therapy, Emily saw it impossible to make it to 21. His decision indicates how conflicted she was and she wanted to put her suffering to an end. According to Ethan, “In therapy you said you wouldn’t make it to 21| On my 21st birthday I thought about you| You were right.” According to the quote, Ethan remembers back during Emily’s therapy sessions how she said she wouldn’t make it to 21, an implication that Emily needed to be killed for another person to survive.

Another major challenge that is faced by the transgender population is the mixed salutation in professional references including in academics (Vincent, 2018). When transgender people need to be saluted, they might feel embarrassed being referred to by the gender with which they don’t like to be associated with, and as a result of this, it keeps many people from making salutations. While saluting a person Mrs., Mr. or Miss can be a gesture of respect, it can be at times an embarrassment. For example, a transgender woman who wants to be associated with the male sex may be offended to be referred to as a Miss or Mrs. Similarly in college, it would be a dilemma to provide a salutation to a transgender person without hurting them.

This issue has been highlighted in the poem, “Letter to the Girl I Used to Be,” in that it highlights what Ethan could have expected, and this is why he decided to perform the procedure to remove the female elements from his body, thus enabling him to stand upright. Through this, Ethan could fully be described and saluted as a Mr. in his future endeavors and this including in his upcoming college graduation. In the poem, Ethan states that “But now you will never hear “Emily Smith” announced at a college graduation,” and this tells it all that he feared what might have transpired if Emily was still inside him. It can also be the same issue that had forced Emily to contemplate suicide, to kill herself as she felt not to be part of Ethan’s life. She had no hope of making it to 21 when Ethan’s male features would have completely erased her, but some elements of her such as the breasts could still be seen.

Another major challenge faced by the transgender population includes hormonal imbalance, which manifests feminine or masculine characteristics in an individual (Agana et al., 2019). A transgender woman may have higher levels of estrogen, but at the same time, these levels may be lower or in level with a normal woman’s estrogen levels. However, in order to support masculine characteristics during puberty, some transgender women may experience high levels of testosterone, and this can encourage the build-up of masculine characteristics including the breaking of voice, broadening of the chest as well as the growth of facial hair. While some of these traits may manifest in low quantities, they might not be desirable for a woman to have, and therefore, it can be a precursor to self-isolation and depression to many transgender populations, and this also happens to men as well.

The hormonal problem has also been highlighted in the poem, “A Letter to the Girl I Used to Be,” where Ethan describes the physical changes that took place in order to eliminate Emily out of the equation. For example, Ethan states that “When the prescribed testosterone started taking effect,” to imply that he was put under a hormonal program to help boost his testosterone levels, making him more of a male than a female. Exogenous testosterone is a hormone used in transgender men to induce virilization and suppress feminizing characteristics (Shergill et al., 2019), and this might have been used to bring out more of Ethan and suppress Emily.

It is the dream of every woman to get married, get pregnant and bring up her family with love and affection. Transgender men and transmasculine people have the ability to get pregnant; these people get pregnant at rates similar to people who identify as women and have more planned pregnancies than cis women (Brandt et al., 2019). While it is easy to get pregnant, giving birth can be a problem, and even taking care of the children can even be more difficult since it will be difficult for the children to identify with. It is because of this reason, that many of the transgender declines getting pregnant and instead seek to transform into men. This concept of parenting and getting pregnancy challenges have been highlighted in the poem, “A Letter to a Girl I Used to Be,” in which Ethan highlights the potential problems he could have encountered if he wanted to have children. Ethan remembers how Emily loved to have children, but after transforming to Ethan, these dreams were foregone.

Ethan states that “I thought about your children, how I wanted them too,” indicating that both in the form of Emily and Ethan, wanted to have children. However, transforming into Ethan complicated issues made it worse in that a man could not get pregnant. Despite the fact that transgender men can get pregnant, getting to take care of the child might be another challenge. It is impossible to get the affection of a child if they dint breastfeed, and this is a common problem. According to the poem, Ethan states that “I let a doctor remove your breasts so I could stand up straighter,” indicating that Emily was no longer there to have her breasts. Instead, Ethan had to remove the breasts so that he could stand upright like a man. With the surgery, it would have been difficult to feed a baby. Ethan states that Now even if I somehow had those children, I wouldn’t be able to nourish them,” which means that he cannot nourish children as he is now a man.

Another major challenge faced by transgender is depression and anxiety which occurs when they are transforming from male to female or female to male (Chodzen et al., 2019). While these individuals might have suffered identity conflict for long, at times they might have given up and sunk into depression which is a common defense mechanism. However, when an opportunity arises to choose the right identity, they might get excited, but this is just the beginning of a long night scare. While the transformation might be successful, it leaves a scar that is not easy to hide and thus not easy to forget. For example, Ethan states that “A 19 you started to fade| I tried to cross you out like a line in my memoir,” indicating that Ethan was ready to take over from Emily. However, he wanted to erase Emily completely, crossing her out like a memoir, but this didn’t happen. Ethan states that “I wished I could erase completely,” not because he didn’t like her, but he no longer wanted to be associated with her feminine characteristics which made him feel uncomfortable. The phrase, “I wished” means that he could not do as he intended, and thus, parts or scars that belonged to Emily remained to be a reminder of her existence. According to Ethan, “And maybe I’m misunderstanding the definition of death| But even though parts of you still exist| you are not here,” a summation of the scars left, the suffering that Ethan still goes through in his daily living.

In conclusion, being transgender can be a big challenge especially if society does not appreciate people as they are regardless of their age, race or gender. Based on the poem, “A Letter to the Girl I Used to Be,” by Ethan Smith, there are various challenges faced by the transgender population, both at a personal and societal level. Some of the major challenges include discrimination from peers and other members of society which makes the transgender population develop stress leading to depression. Also, at personal levels, the transgender population may suffer an identity crisis, which results from the conflict about who they are, a girl or a boy. Furthermore, the goals in life differ by gender, and this continues to be a nightmare for transgenders.

References

Agana, M. G., Greydanus, D. E., Indyk, J. A., Calles Jr, J. L., Kushner, J., Leibowitz, S., … & Cabral, M. D. (2019). Caring for the transgender adolescent and young adult: Current concepts of an evolving process in the 21st century. Disease-a-Month, 65(9), 303-356.

Brandt, J. S., Patel, A. J., Marshall, I., & Bachmann, G. A. (2019). Transgender men, pregnancy, and the “new” advanced paternal age: A review of the literature. Maturitas, 128, 17-21.

Chodzen, G., Hidalgo, M. A., Chen, D., & Garofalo, R. (2019). Minority stress factors associated with depression and anxiety among transgender and gender-nonconforming youth. Journal of Adolescent Health, 64(4), 467-471.

Ethan Smith. “A Letter to the Girl I Used to Be.” Retrieved from: https://youtube.be/Lkn06Y8prDUKuper, L. E., Adams, N., & Mustanski, B. S. (2018). Exploring cross-sectional predictors of suicide ideation, attempt, and risk in a large online sample of transgender and gender nonconforming youth and young adults. LGBT health, 5(7), 391-400.

Sawyer, S. M., Azzopardi, P. S., Wickremarathne, D., & Patton, G. C. (2018). The age of adolescence. The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health, 2(3), 223-228.

Shergill, A. K., Camacho, A., Horowitz, J. M., Jha, P., Ascher, S., Berchmans, E., … & Brook, O. R. (2019). Imaging of transgender patients: expected findings and complications of gender reassignment therapy. Abdominal Radiology, 44(8), 2886-2898.

Verbeek, M. J., Hommes, M. A., Stutterheim, S. E., van Lankveld, J. J., & Bos, A. E. (2020). Experiences with stigmatization among transgender individuals after transition: A qualitative study in the Netherlands. International journal of transgender health, 21(2), 220-233.

Vincent, B. W. (2018). Studying trans: recommendations for ethical recruitment and collaboration with transgender participants in academic research. Psychology & Sexuality, 9(2), 102-116.

Zucker, K. J. (2017). Epidemiology of gender dysphoria and transgender identity. Sexual health, 14(5), 404-411.