Milestone 4 Final Draft

Milestone 4: Final Draft

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Professor

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Date

Milestone 4: Final Draft

The introduction to the essay is not captivating and the grammar is not correct. The use of the word ‘so’ in a sentence must be followed by ‘that’. The essay should have started well and not with mistakes of sentence structure. The grammar used in the first paragraph should be improved to be of high standards. This means that the words used should be changed, in order to make the essay improve. The thesis statement is not structured well and should be shortened to communicate effectively to its reader. Some of the arguments presented in the thesis are not present in the essay’s body. More evidence should be provided to ensure that the reader obtains a lot of information regarding the arguments (Sherry, 2011).

The quotations have not been cited well, as the citations are found after the fool stop. This means that the citation has been placed at the wrong place. Explanations to the quotes are not given and the reader has to make their own conclusions. Upon reading the introduction, there is a lot of confusion regarding what it is about. The information has been mixed up, as one is not sure if the essay is about, parents, graduating or even students. The introduction is not captivating as the grammar, word choice, and punctuation are not correct as well as appropriate. There is contradiction between the conclusion and the essays purpose. The conclusion is a direct repetition of the thesis as well as the introduction (Sherry, 2011). It is not possible to identify the importance of the essay or what has been achieved. The conclusion ought to be more captivating, so that a person who has not read the essay can know what it is about.

The transition sentences have been stated, rather than being made to flow into the different paragraphs. There is no connection between the various paragraphs. There is not mention of music programs in the essays body, despite it being mentioned in the introductory paragraph. In order to connect the body paragraphs to the topic sentence, there have to be bridging clauses and this is not evident in the essay. Only a few transition words are used in the essay. This means that the reader has to make their own conclusions. Often, this is tiring to the readers and words of transition should have been used, such as; therefore, moreover, among others.

When quoting a sentence, it should not start at the beginning of the sentence without some explanation. Wordiness is an element present when the sentences are being quoted, and this should be reduced. An example of a long quoted sentence is “Parental effort is consistently associated with higher levels of achievement, and the magnitude of the effect of parental effort is substantial. We found that schools would need to increase per-pupil spending by more than $1,000 in order to achieve the same results that are gained with parental involvement (Beason, 1996).” There is no use of comma slices in most sentences to separate the various clauses. There are some paragraphs, which do not have any citation. This is plagiarism and it is an offense, which has serious consequences. The use of articles ‘the ‘and ‘a’ is not correct and this should be looked upon (Sherry, 2011). Also, some of the citations in the reference list have not been used in citing the essay. The essay should be reviewed thoroughly as well as proof read, in order to establish the mistakes it has.

References

Sherry, M. (2011). In Praise of the “F” Word. In Nadell, J., Langan, J., & Comodromos, E.A.

(2011). The Longman writer: Rhetoric, Reader, Research Guide, and Handbook (8th edition). New York, NY: Pearson.

Beason, T. (1996). Students Give Top Grades To These Tough Teachers – They

Won’t Accept Anything Less Than Excellent. The Seattle Times Retrieved from

http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19960328&slug=2321424